I had to be at work-work today. That is in Morris Plains, NJ; two hours from my home in Philadelphia. I have to do that about once a week and usually when I do I go to my parents house for the night instead of making the trek in rush hour.

So today, I went over there, ate pizza (hell yes), and went to see my grandparents. I have been very ansty the past few days, so being without my stuff and large quantities of Budd Ice is a little hard to handle.

In an effort to fill some time earlier I went to my teenage (and later early twenties) hang out; affectionately named The Clubhouse. I was flooded with emotion and nostalgia over the place. Since I moved out nothing has changed and since it is the attic of my parents unattached garage it has remained the same after all this time.

I talk about my home town pretty often, and to this day it is a love hate relationship. Visiting my ‘Clubhouse’ brings me right back to everything that was good about living in a small town; it reminds me of how good a simple life like that can be. Just friends, drinking, part-time jobs, no rent, no worries.

The last few days have thrown me into a dizzying mental spin. Not so much has changed but I have changed. I am no longer carefree. I got caught up in things that are meaningless. Work and money rather than love and happiness. I’m paying for that now. With everything I have I need to remind myself everyday that all those nights I spent up in that attic swigging whiskey dreaming of the future and the cool life I’d have is now a reality! I’ve done what I’ve wanted! I need however to shake the recent hopeless feelings, this negativity that causes me so much personal pain, and effects others so close to me.

If I can take this time to better understand myself I know that my future will be a whole lot brighter.